Of slippery months, two languages meeting, and patient enduring

In my endeavor to write (for myself, for the craft, for the future), I need to come face-to-face with an uncomfy truth: that certain months, like June, will feel like slippery fish. How are we now in its last week? Didn’t the month just start?

To be fair, I’ve been living in the future without my consent. Yesterday, I found out that while doing my quiet time of prayer journaling, I was reading material meant for the month of July 2024 – not June.

What is lutang? Me. I am lutang.

Reality set in yesterday; I FINALLY read what was meant for June 24, 2024 instead of July 25, 2024. But I digress.

Going back: what do we do when months like June slip away unnoticed?

We look back and see how the good, hard work prior will somehow find a way to carry us forward, even if it’s not what we imagined. We rest in grace today, acknowledging how it is the same grace from our yesterdays and tomorrows.

Having said all that, may I submit an entry written from June 25, 2012:

I am currently in a post-mortem meeting for Jayesslee Live In Manila, but I actually – literally – stared at this piece of work I saw on the internet.
Such a gem. My two beloved languages.

Kilig na kilig ako. If I ever marry a foreigner, he’s going to have to be willing to study Filipino. Serious. If you can’t joke around with me in Filipino, huwag na. HUWAG NA.  

Papangunahan ko na sarili ko.
(I am going to speak ahead of myself)

Pagbalik ko,
(When I come back,)

ikaw pa rin.
(It will still be you.)

Hindi mo na kailangang magtanong,
(You don’t have to ask,)

at hindi ko na kailangang pang ulitin.
(and I won’t have to say it again.)

Mawawala ako, pero pagbalik ko, ikaw at ikaw pa rin.
(I will be gone, but when I come back, it will still be you.)

Wala akong hihingin.
(I’m not going to ask you for anything.)

Pero para sa ikagiginhawa nating dalawa,
(But to make things easier for the two of us,)

pagbalik ko, ‘wag mo akong babatiin
(When I get back, don’t greet me)

‘wag mo akong kakamustahin
(don’t ask me how I’m doing)

‘wag mo akong ngingitian
(don’t even smile at me)

kung para sayo ay hindi lang rin ako.
(unless for you, it’s still me.)

Hindi ako marunong kaibiganin ka.
(I don’t know how to just be friends with you.)

Kailanman hindi ko kinailangang matutong gawin yun.
(I never had to learn ever since.)

Ayokong piliting matutunang gawin yun habang malayo at mag-isa.
(I don’t want to have to learn while I’m away and literally alone.)

I don’t necessarily agree with this poem (I’m a big believer that when two people want the same thing, even the impossible can happen. But when it’s one-sided, please lang huwag mo nang pahirapan ang isa’t isa), but the marriage of the two languages I love the most makes my heart all aflutter.

I also feel like the English doesn’t do justice to the Filipino. ._.
I think the English translation could’ve been better.

And the whole, “Ikaw at ikaw pa rin“.
Doesn’t that sound so much better than, “It will still be you”?

Might be just me, though.
(Sorry, medyo random ang post na ito.)

[Source: my old semi-private blog]

The title of this bilingual poem is “tie a yellow ribbon”. Any idea who wrote it? Because I’ve been looking everywhere and can’t find it even with the mighty power of AI. Was it you? Were you the author of this piece? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

(How fascinating to look back at 20-something me. She was always documenting, trying to pin down things she thought were beautiful or interesting, grabbing at life because she knew time was passing and would not pass her again. Perhaps I’ve lost a little bit of her chutzpah, her shine—and I keep falsely assuming she had so much free time—but I hope she’s still there somewhere.

When she started her semi-private blog at 18, she wasn’t writing for anyone but herself and a few friends in what was her inner circle, and I will always quietly respect that she endured the pain and bittersweetness of inevitably turning into, well, me.)

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