I’ve been going through the book of Psalms lately through Community Bible Study. (Psalm 19 being my new favorite Psalm, but so much is bare and heart-wrenching.)
While reading the material, I’ve soft music playing in the background. And the first one playing from my Spotify playlist is the one below:
Without knowing when, my mind’s focus has moved from my sense of seeing to hearing. It’s always this song, and it’s always this particular phrase that trips me up and commands my attention:
But it’s hard to give that reverence
When I have no framе of referencе for it
And now the song has me. Now I’m scrolling through the lyrics again, because my protest at doing something without idea, instruction, information, or infrastructure is so specific to me, I’m surprised somebody else said it. How can He expect so much, what I am bereft of any resources that might allow more graciousness and faithfulness?
What do You mean, Your Word is something I can delight in? What do You mean, like a deer pants for water, my soul can long after You? What do You mean, Your yoke is easy and Your burden light? What do You mean, faith is being sure of what we hope for? What do you mean, You’ve overcome the world — have You seen it lately, Lord? Have you seen the Philippines lately, Lord? Have you seen me lately, Lord?
I think about Sarah, and the promise You keptSure as hell wasn’t her timing
And I snicker (maybe like Sarah did), because hasn’t that been the case most of my life? Timing has never been my strong suit. I’m always running late, or if I do arrive early — it’s usually at an incorrect conclusion or date.
And by this time, I’ve listened to the song five to six times in a row, mulling over the lyrics, a lump forming in my throat because I see her: Younger Najee emerging into view.
Younger Najee who hated waiting — her hardest lesson, her worst enemy. The thing she would not yield to, despite saying so and acquiescing to “the right thing to do”. She would say one thing with her lips, but her hands… her hands are tight-fisted, white-knuckled, and trembling. Her heart coveting, insisting on the life she wants — the Master’s degree, the life abroad, a silly boy.
That was years ago. These days, I am relieved things didn’t happen as I wanted. In fact, I marvel at how diametrically different my heart is now from before.
But songs like THE MEANTIME make me remember who I used to be, and she’s so real. It makes me feel deep compassion for younger Najee who hadn’t yet received the gift of hindsight; she only had the mess of heartbreak to contend with.
It’s good to remember her, to continue surrendering to the Lord’s refining work in the inner parts. I have long dismissed the lie saying “everything happens for a reason,” and other such hollow platitudes. But I do continue to see the Lord’s good heart. I do trust Him much more. I do stand witness to His miraculous power to draw meaning out of the nonsensical (even in shaping my unyielding, wandering heart).
Maybe the song arrests me because more than reminding me of who I used to be, I see what He has become in my life — even more clever, even more faithful, even more patient, even more good. I know He can’t be any more or any less of anything, but I’m glad He seems to be both expanding and deepening in my eyes.
And He’s not done with me (or you, actually) yet.
Salamat, salamat, Panginoon.
PS. Happiest holidays, dear reader. May your 2026 not promise you anything more than what’s real and what’s good. Did you have a favorite song you can share with me? : )